matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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