Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
