Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this just has baby written all over it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
