woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
