I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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