one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
