I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
