I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
