i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
