well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize