1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The ass gains better be worth it
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