I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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