if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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