i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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