There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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