I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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