I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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