can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
