I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
