Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
