Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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