Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
