watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
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Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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