He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
