i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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