TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
