Old men and throwing up are my life now.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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