peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
