Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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