there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
