the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
