haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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