You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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