So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
