She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
