Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
