Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
