haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
