It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
