Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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