Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
