great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
