peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
