and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
