after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
