mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
