I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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