I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
