New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
