i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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