I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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