I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
