I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
