i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
