I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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