dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Are we still banned from the library?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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