Can Purell be used as lube?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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