ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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