Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
