remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
