we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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